MGW Story Check: Results Part 2
May. 2nd, 2012 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mastergraywolfContinue.
OK
STALWART SILVER
- Misuse of commas and capitalization.
- I remember feeling uncertainty about the first sentence ("Rome, Italy, the ecclesiastical capital city of the world even in modern times") maybe because of the commas. I probably should change it to put myself at ease, starting with "In modern times'>
- The story looks nice and interesting.
- "Each statue carried a tool that distinguished their identities, from the spear of St. Longinus that pierced the helpless but forgiving Child of God while he was pinned on a cross, to the cloth of St. Veronica that carried that same Son's countenance after being wiped with it." I think a comma misuse. The part about St. Veronica makes me uneasy as well, like "after being wiped with it" sounded funny. I should also say "pinned to a cross"
- (the conversion of Christianity) to "Conversion to"?
- I typed "His Holiness" while the Pope is being directly spoken to.
- I'll work on this.
TSUGEMACHI
- It's old. This story has been looked over and changed probably three or four times already. For some reason, I am often not satisfied with it. Since it was the first story, I wrote it out with a "introducing to an ancient war story" kind of style. Thus, in the beginning, there is exposition about a war setting. I probably should remove it.
-The author notes should either be removed or changed to fit modern time. Seishin is not on hiatus.
- Year 1567 is Eiroku 10 but I don't think it's that important to add.
- Bold sentence can be removed I guess.
- "smell hung in the usually pleasant clean air." Hmm...
- I should just edit it again.
Autumn Grove
- It seems fine except a typo: "Kazuma" to "Kazama. BTW, Kazama is Fuuma Kotaro.
Mibuno Series
- what I'm trying to figure out is that, if more than one clan members of the same family are around each other, how does one address them? I say "Lord Tsukimori" often. They are often addressed by last name. First name is usually for someone of close associations but definitely not Kai.
- For a short story, a single chapter took me months for being under 700 or 800 words. Since i carried a lot of insecurity during writing, editing/proofreading may be difficult.
- I think Mibuno II is OK. More comma and semicolon misuse.
- The words "recompensable" and "bashful" are probably quite strange to see. They wouldn't be understood until later stories when I can expose more of Kai. Bashful is supposed to express that "he is not showy" (he can be shy too). "Recompensable" (Adj) shows that he wants to make up for his father's handicap because he was rejected. But, I can't find the word "recompensable" in my own dictionary on hand...just the net dictionaries.
OK
SolAka is going to be very tough. Also, United We Soar. I'll attempt those tomorrow, also the edits for Starwart, Tsugemachi, Jumping Monkey, Autumn Grove, and Trio of Iga.
OK
STALWART SILVER
- Misuse of commas and capitalization.
- I remember feeling uncertainty about the first sentence ("Rome, Italy, the ecclesiastical capital city of the world even in modern times") maybe because of the commas. I probably should change it to put myself at ease, starting with "In modern times'>
- The story looks nice and interesting.
- "Each statue carried a tool that distinguished their identities, from the spear of St. Longinus that pierced the helpless but forgiving Child of God while he was pinned on a cross, to the cloth of St. Veronica that carried that same Son's countenance after being wiped with it." I think a comma misuse. The part about St. Veronica makes me uneasy as well, like "after being wiped with it" sounded funny. I should also say "pinned to a cross"
- (the conversion of Christianity) to "Conversion to"?
- I typed "His Holiness" while the Pope is being directly spoken to.
- I'll work on this.
TSUGEMACHI
- It's old. This story has been looked over and changed probably three or four times already. For some reason, I am often not satisfied with it. Since it was the first story, I wrote it out with a "introducing to an ancient war story" kind of style. Thus, in the beginning, there is exposition about a war setting. I probably should remove it.
-The author notes should either be removed or changed to fit modern time. Seishin is not on hiatus.
- Year 1567 is Eiroku 10 but I don't think it's that important to add.
- Bold sentence can be removed I guess.
- "smell hung in the usually pleasant clean air." Hmm...
- I should just edit it again.
Autumn Grove
- It seems fine except a typo: "Kazuma" to "Kazama. BTW, Kazama is Fuuma Kotaro.
Mibuno Series
- what I'm trying to figure out is that, if more than one clan members of the same family are around each other, how does one address them? I say "Lord Tsukimori" often. They are often addressed by last name. First name is usually for someone of close associations but definitely not Kai.
- For a short story, a single chapter took me months for being under 700 or 800 words. Since i carried a lot of insecurity during writing, editing/proofreading may be difficult.
- I think Mibuno II is OK. More comma and semicolon misuse.
- The words "recompensable" and "bashful" are probably quite strange to see. They wouldn't be understood until later stories when I can expose more of Kai. Bashful is supposed to express that "he is not showy" (he can be shy too). "Recompensable" (Adj) shows that he wants to make up for his father's handicap because he was rejected. But, I can't find the word "recompensable" in my own dictionary on hand...just the net dictionaries.
OK
SolAka is going to be very tough. Also, United We Soar. I'll attempt those tomorrow, also the edits for Starwart, Tsugemachi, Jumping Monkey, Autumn Grove, and Trio of Iga.
